Aug 4th: The Emperor's New Bat Cape (aka The Dark Knight)

Since the critics, the farties, and the popcorn munchers have all been going gaga over the latest Batman movie I thought I'd better check it out. Don't want to miss out on a zeitgeist moment, a seminal cultural happening, oh no. Heaven forbid. So I got myself along to the Fountainbridge multiplex, sat back, and let the mayhem commence.

The Dark Knight is, eh, spectacular stuff. It's very loud for one thing. Earsplitting loud. I could hardly hear myself think. Not that there was much need for that at any point in the movie. On the plus side there were lots of explosions, big orange fireballs, crazy car chases throught the streets of Gotham, people jumping through windows, and lots of falling from high buildings. The special effects department must have patted themselves on the back. A job well done.

And... and... and... that's about it. Aw, aye, there's that bloke who played the gay cowboy and took an overdose. "He'th tho dark and tho menacing" whithper the luvvies.

Well, actually, he's not. He's camp as a pair of old french knickers. He licks his lips a lot though. And he speaks softly. Speaking softly has never been done by any bad guy in any movie before this one. Genius. No wonder they want to give him a posthumous Oscar. I'm not denigrating Ledger's performance. No siree. It's definitely right up there in the Top Three Jokers Of All Time list. Just below Jack Nicholson and Cesar Romero. (Now those guys were proper jokers).

When Batman and Joker went head-to-head the fight scenes had a certain quaint charm about them I suppose. They werent quite as violent or as imaginative as when Peter Griffin goes head-to-head with the giant chicken in Family Guy. And they sure could have done with a few "kapows" and "zaps" to break up the monotony of the bashing. But the popcorn munchers around me seemed to be programmed to respond positively to this so perhaps I'm being unnecessarily elitist.

The story line was no dark and twisted Frank Miller comic either. It was about as weak as a cup of Earl Grey, only more predictable. Worse still - and this is unforgiveable - there was absolutely nothing in the way of costumed carnality. (Aint that the point of wearing costumes?) There was nothing that could even remotely lace the PVC boots of Michelle Pfeiffer as she crouches over Michael Keaton in that rooftop scene in the best of all Batman movies, Tim Burton's Batman Returns. Miaaow! Now THAT was a sexy movie.

All in all, if I was to err on the side of kindness, I'd say The Dark Knight is relatively harmless predictable summer hokum for the Americanised masses. A non-taxing two hours on the brain. Bright lights, some dark shadows, with loads of loud bangs. The truth is, halfway through, I was yawning and wondering if Ingmar Bergman's "Through A Glass Darkly" had finished downloading at home. It had.