Aug 5th: FlyBe To The Moon (And They Almost Did)

After being fucked about by airport security, and after enduring the obligatory ninety minute delay, when I finally boarded Flight BE7065 from Birmngham last night, I thought, okay, eighty minutes and I'll be back in Scotland. As if.

The jet took off and made its slow ascent. I was reading Irvine's new book. The story about the new-agers in the American desert was so good that I'm not sure if it was 10, 15 or 20 minutes that passed into the flight before it was becoming obvious to everyone on board that there was something seriously wrong with the air pressure in the cabin. It was dropping and you could feel it.

The pilots - who were both Polish and female - decided to "discontinue the flight" (WTF???) did a U-turn in mid-air, somewhere in the north of England, and headed back rapido towards Birmingham. There was (what seemed like to me) an ultra-fast heart-stopping descent as the air pressure inside the plane kept dropping.

So what do you do when something like that happens? The flight was busy - every seat was taken - but nobody said a word. The five minutes before the emergency landing were the longest and most nervous five minutes of my life. Even longer than the extra-time during a derby match at Tynecastle a few years ago, when Hibs squandered a 4-2 lead.

Some strange things can go through your head in a situation like that. Such as "I wonder if its really sore getting burnt to death?". Or "aw, fuck, I'm gonna miss the Hibs-Hearts game tomorrow night". There was no Edith Piaf 'Je Ne Regret Rien' moment however. Ian Dury's 'What A Waste" might have been closer to the mark.

The plane came down with all the grace of a daddylonglegs descending a wall. We got off, shaken, and very fucking stirred. Flybe then herded us onto a different aircraft on another runway. Some folk were so shaken up they refused to go onto the replacement jet and stayed in Birmingham.

Eventually the replacement jet took off. We got home safely, albeit after midnight, when Edinburgh Airport was deserted. But to give credit where credit is due, FlyBe apologised for "the delay" and gave everyone on board a complimentary drink and a free (mini) packet of Pringles.

Thanks Flybe for such a wonderful budget flight experience. Wouldnt have missed it for the world. You guys are the best. (Note to self: take the train next time).